The Numbers Don’t Lie

When I first started this journey, my Testosterone (T) and Estrogen (E) levels were checked in Sept 2014 before I started hormone replacement therapy. The results:

The E level was no surprise as my body doesn’t naturally produce E in any usable quantity, but the T level was indeed an eye-opener. It was far below most statistical norms. Look at the left-most column in the attached chart for one who is 43. I wasn’t even at the 5th percentile.

Typical T level in males

All those years of emotional pain with so little T in my system!

Internally, I couldn’t imagine the testosterone-induced depressive hell I endured for 4 decades could have been any worse. But what if I decided to try T shots to help with the usual issues of getting older? That’s the manly thing to do, right?  That means, what if T was actually in the ‘normal’ range? How much worse would the depressive hell have been back then? T wasn’t the solution, it was the enemy.

I shudder to think it could have been any worse than it was. But adding T to bring it into the mid-range, 400-600 would have been emotional disaster. Even the thought of being 2x-3x more of a depressed alcoholic because of T injections makes me cry. It was terrible enough. I’m glad I didn’t go this route, not even for a single T shot.

My last hormone test recently, the results:
The numbers reversal is crucial…the depression and all the other muck disappeared with the introduction of E into my bloodstream. The numbers don’t lie. I am healthy and thriving!

I am thankful for advances in science because my lifelong depression is gone forever due to using estrogen. Truly a benefit to living in the 20th and 21st centuries in this country. However, many consider this evil and part of some “LGBT agenda”. I’m part of no agenda, don’t lump me in with one either, I’m me. The facts are clear, as a result of hormones and gender transition I’m alive without depression and thriving without needing a bottle of vodka.

So why are people so against trans people using cross-sex hormone therapy when it is the cure to lifelong depression, anxiety, and emotional numbness? 

Russell Moore, a higher-up of the Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) wrote a dissertation in 2009 “John or Joan”, in which he clearly tells the possible member in his church John, who is transitioning to Joan, to stop hormones. When I read that, my jaw dropped. I can’t fathom someone who knows so little about this subject yet commands so much power in this organization, could negatively affect so many sitting in their pews every Sunday. He is affecting the hiding transgender people in those churches in substantially painful ways, driving them further into depression and too often with substance abuse.

Why then, would influential Mr Moore require someone to stop the very thing that is curing their ailment? Do we take away the medical inhaler from the asthma patient? Are we to remove the wheelchair from the handicapped person? Do we take away the pace maker from the patient with a weak heart? …all because we assert that God doesn’t make mistakes?  Do we then claim the heart patient, asthma sufferer, handicapped person, and transgender individual are all confused about their physical condition? Are they all delusional?

No, of course not. But the church at large insists on treating transgender people as if we don’t know anything about our situation, thus insistig trans folks are confused and delusional. They make the assumption that something early in our youth steered us the wrong way. Such as us seeing an X rated movie or porn magazine when we were around 11 years old and that perverted image stuck in our head, driving us to live life as the opposite gender. Of course it didn’t, but they believe this false theory.

Did the handicapped person see someone in a wheelchair then say to themselves subconsciously “I want to live a life of hardship, I am handicapped!”  No. This is absurd. 

Did the heart patient have an obsession with clocks when they were younger causing them to want a pace-maker?  Of course not.

Did the asthma sufferer purposely try to smoke mom or dad’s cigarettes when they were very young, causing them the delusion that are asthmatics later in life?  No, that’s silly.

But then, why do powerful leaders insist that transgender people are confused and delusional when they approach this subject?  I think it’s because it’s what has been handed down to our culture in preceding generations. Looking back at the church’s history, people afflicted with ALS were considered demonically possessed, but until science figured out they’re not, the church kept praying over them, commanding non-existent demonic spirits to leave their withering bodies. And when these non-existent spirits didn’t leave and the ALS sufferer didn’t get better, they sent them to insane asylums. Yet the church at large still considers transgender people outcasts and filled with demonic spirits and insists on sending us away from the very thing that transforms us to the better: gender transition.

Right in front of us is proof that refutes Mr Moore’s demand that trans people need to stop hormone treatments: replace the T with E in male-to-female transgender people and in virtually every trans person the depression clears up.

We are not delusional, the numbers don’t lie. We are not an agenda, we are not your political nor spiritual enemy, we are humans made by God, just like anyone else.

The ones who are confused and delusional are the ones who know little to nothing about this subject. They cite bloggers such as schizophrenic Walt Heyer time and again as gospel against being trans even though he was misdiagnosed decades ago. He was never transgender, read his back story. Then these leaders angrily insist they know the “right” answer, the “Godly way”, which is neither right nor Godly.  Their way inflicts intense pain that, like ALS patients, never gets prayed away. Their way has one purpose: to make people conform to a role they are comfortable with in their presence. Yes, they are playing God. The god of their finite knowledge, but a god nonetheless.

In God’s presence, He loves all his children, he doesn’t tell them to conform to a system. He asks them to open their hearts to Him, to his son Jesus, no matter how one looks. It really is that simple.

Russell Moore, Michael Brown, Franklin Graham, et al…your advice to transgender people has been proven wrong time after time. Your stance is on the wrong side of salvation and the wrong side of truth. The numbers in my hormone tests don’t lie. When will YOU repent for misleading your followers spiritually and politically in regards to transgender people?




Russell Moore’s “John or Joan?”

The dream of being on top of the wedding cake

Imagine being a guy walking through life where you see the man and woman figurines on top of a wedding cake, but don’t relate to the scene.  Something deep inside simply doesn’t register.  It’s not that as a guy, you’re not seeing the details, it’s something else, something deeper you haven’t discovered.

Then when you do discover it, that you’re transgender, it makes sense; you only identify with being the woman in the dress figurine on top of that wedding cake.

But, there’s something deeper to this reality that no one talks about, it’s being somewhere in the middle. Often times being transgender means not being either fully male or fully female.  Whether we think it, feel it, or look it, we don’t fit…our hearts often feel this deep, awful tug, but we refuse to talk about it. Moving forward even with this pain is key. Keep moving forward, the pain will go away.

But will it? Depressing is that sinking, painful feeling you get when you realize you’re not on the cake, and you don’t have a chance to ever truly be one of those figurines.  Why? All one has to do is put on a tux or a dress!  No, it’s not that simple. The façade of fitting-in is never enough. (That feeling that “all is right with his life” is a façade. But he doesn’t know any better at the time.)

When girls are little, they dream of finding the right guy for their wedding day.  He will be wearing the tux, her in the dress. Or if she’s gay, and finding the right girl to either wear the tux or the dress on her big day.

As a guy, well, guys don’t think of these things until around the wedding day when he’s proud to see the figurines on top of the cake, he’s in the tux and she’s in the dress, as it should be!  This makes society happy, this makes the guy feel like all is right with the world and his life.

(This breaks the golden rule about shame: never should on yourself and never should on others).

But what if one is transgender? They don’t fit into either scenario. They can’t be on the cake by society’s definition.

He was me.  I wore the tux, did all the right things, played by all the rules, it was a fun and most memorable day! But as I look back now, I was never on top of the cake…I was never truly male and never truly female. However, I could not see this until the last couple years.

And that’s where the painful black hole exists, those that are transgender are never dreamed of, there’s no place for them on the wedding cake. No little girl or little boy grows up with grande dreams of marrying a transgender person, ever.  No little boys are trained to think of how beautiful his transgender bride will be!  No little girl wonders in happy awestruck fervor that she will marry a handsome transgender man or woman. The cold reality is this NEVER happens. No one EVER dreams of us.

There’s no place for us on this figurative wedding cake of life. We have to make a place. We have to look into the hearts of others and ask that we be accepted for who we are. We have to go the extra mile to be more emotionally open than others, that people can see deeply in our hearts even when others hearts are not open to such transparency, so we can show the world we are decent neighbors. We have to continually work against knowing that we’re not accepted in society yet ask others we trust to “go to bat” for us, which can possibly cause them personal social issues with their peer groups. We swim upstream daily against deeply embedded yet false notions that we are delusional, confused, and being led by demonic spirits. We can barely see being on top of any wedding cake with so many life issues being tossed our way. We rely on those who know us for support, for love, for being the backbone of our existence and to help change the current.

Those who know us, know love, they know how to give love and how to receive love.

It takes the love of others to bridge the painful emotional gap between not being on the cake and having a chance one day to actually be there. It takes love to go beyond the usual understandings to see that a transgender human is a human with a soul, that has feelings, dreams, aspirations, isn’t an abomination but rather a treasure to God and man.  It takes love to accept someone different.

It takes love to bridge the gap.

It takes love. The Jesus kind of love that gives but doesn’t ask for anything in return. The kind of love from others that takes away the pain of being different, including being transgender.

Maybe the mind’s eye vision of being on the wedding cake isn’t proper adolescent dream after all…but rather finding those who love like Jesus is really what it’s all about.