What is Gender Dysphoria?

My standard-gender (aka cis-gender) friends ask me this at times, looking for a better explanation of this vague term.

Since many know my story, I’m going to create several posts in smaller chunks in an attempt to help explain this concept as it’s far too lengthy to digest all at once.

The template we will follow is what Zinnia wrote in her excellent blog 4 years ago, “That Was Dysphoria?” She outlines indirect things in her life causing her grief yet were fixed upon transitioning & hormones. Please open this link in a separate web browser window and follow along with her write-up.


Let’s start today with the first of eight items she lists in the link above:
1. “Continual difficulty with simply getting through the day”.
Reading her text was like reading about my life of constant fatigue, as if a 200 pound blanket was strapped to my back all day every day.  I was accused of being lazy, but to me, I wasn’t lazy, I always intensely fatigued.  Always. It was an inner fight just to get off the couch to get to the bathroom.

Regular tasks took extraordinary effort to achieve. Zinnia mentions tasks that were equally as stressful to complete: getting in the shower, cleaning up the house, anything I was asked.

“Clean the car?” That’s a ton of work, sigh.

“Paint the room” I’d do it but I’d be discontent.

“Fix this or that in the house”. My constant fatigueness would trigger a snapping, almost angry response from me.

Like Zinnia, I could never truly unwind. I was always more tired than there were hours in a day to catch up on sleep. And I never really slept that well, always broken sleep.

“Nothing came easy to me”.  Emotionally speaking this is 100% true. Everything was an emotional uphill battle just to the little things, or anything. Check the tire pressure on the cars? Staple the insurance card to the vehicle registration then place them in the glove box of our cars once per year? Ugggh….so draining.

People don’t understand the hell this is. But I didn’t know any different, not at all. I thought this was the way life was for everyone else but that they overcame their obstacles to be happy, energetic, fun, etc.  Not me. I could never figure out how to get past this issue, how to shed my person of the 200 pound blanket always weighing me down. No formula I tried back then helped out this constant state of grumpiness even though I didn’t know I was grumpy.  My ex spouse said I was grumpy often. Evidently, she was right.

I thought I was just not happy with our marriage and situations in life such as stresses at work, I wasn’t. But I was so very naïve, I had no idea the larger picture at play. I didn’t know.

A nightmarish dream turned into a happy reality.

Only God can do this.  (This is my “I had a dream” experience)

Back around 1999-2000, I had a dream. For the prior past half-decade since God handed me my “get out jail free” card in late 1995 that took me away from any urges to buy female clothes and removed the intense, life-crushing shame that I experienced too often. As a result of possessing this card of new found freedom, I didn’t think of crossdressing, female clothes, the intense shame of it all, gender…nothin’ for many years.  I was living my life as a newly married guy with a wife and our first child on the way. I served countless hours at our church, worked hard, provided for my family. I had found my purpose and was living it.  I put that card in my “mental” wallet. Like anything in a packed wallet, you run into it from time to time. And I said “thank you God” when I did remember because it wasn’t on mind at all. It was done. Finished.

Or so I thought.

Then one night around the turn of the century I had a dream. It was a dream that shook me to my core. It was a single-frame vision of myself: I was standing on a stage platform behind a thin wooden-frame podium with a microphone as the lights were shining on me, I was not afraid to climb up on stage and speak in a dress, had glasses on, with curly shoulder length sandy light brown hair, smiling, was thinner…about size 12, had a curvy female figure, the dress was a white A-frame style with small green and yellow flowers sparsely dotting the fabric.

I woke up in sheer terror.

I thought “this isn’t of you God, how can this be? You saved me from this years ago. Surely this isn’t from you Lord!”

So I cast it out in the name of Jesus as a demonic attack. Remember, I (falsely) believed in the mindset that if you let a demon back in, seven other demons will follow. That 1 & 7 demon belief was shared in my church at the time. So I did ANYTHING in my power to constantly cast it out. Some weeks later it subsided. Either way, I dare not speak a word about this to anyone.

Around the same time I suffered two major panic attacks. Our church met on Wednesday evenings, not Sundays like most other churches. As we prepared to clean up after dinner and get ready to head off to weekly service, my heart started racing. So much so I was panicking. I thought I was having a heart attack. I wasn’t. At the time, there was no way to see the bigger picture: the dream that I considered a nightmare was having it’s way with my physical body, the stress of not telling anyone was bubbling over. But I didn’t understand any of these dynamics back then. I only thought it was marital stress and possibly doing too much at church…a busy schedule that was perhaps too busy?  I was so naïve.

As the weeks and months went by, I had one more occurrence of a panic attack. Never had them again like that. That nightmarish dream would pop into my head every so often, I would pray it away with “Satan you have no power over what God has done in my life, be gone”. And I thought I won.

I guess for a while I did “win”, temporarily so.  In all that “winning” I buried myself in my work. Escapism was in full-tilt but I didn’t know it at the time. I thought I was just “giving my all” to work, which was in the PC & Server support side of IT for my employer. On the train ride to & from my job I read the 950 page book “Using NetWare 5.0 ” cover to cover a few times. And other tech books.  I was burying myself in my job and my duties, there was no time for me…I didn’t see how off-kilter life was for me until years later. But back then, I was in full-on follow-the-script mode.

Fast-forward to 2013-2014. During this time I was sinking into deep depression and alcoholism and relentless shame. Shame that almost once devoured me in my 20’s that I was saved from had come back with a vengeance. That same nightmarish dream came back around in my mind for the zillionth time. (I had another dream but it’s for another discussion). As I held secret of my newly found truth in late 2013, that I was transgender, I became torn. Was that dream some 14 years ago all about me turning out to be transgender? Or was that dream really about me being trans yet having a compassion and unquenchable fire to minister/walk-with/stand-with those who are also LGBT?

Or was it all a lie from the pit of hell?  And did I allow seven demons back in to torment me so I couldn’t hold steadfast to the original miracle God gave me nearly 2 decades ago…that all of this hub-bub was in my mind and the fact remains: I’m not transgender, the miracle he performed for me in 1995 was sufficient?

So many questions. God didn’t say a peep to me. I was pissed off at God. “God if you could miracle MY butt from darkness in to light in 1995 why can’t you do it now?”


“Do you not care, God? Can’t you see my internal hell that I’m enduring? Why can’t you answer me? Why can’t you save me from this slide into hell….again?”

Then I thought “I must have let in those seven demons, God’s making me work this out for myself”.   (Look at all the false religion I bought into! It brought such heavy, false burden to my soul.)

Then it happened. The night of reckoning in August 2014. I knew I survived hell. The next morning wen I uttered the words “I am transgender” I knew which direction was right. I knew that the vision 14-15 years prior wasn’t a nightmare after all, but a prophecy, or at least a sign of things to come.  But the questions I still had were “God, if you miracled my sorry posterior in ’95, why did you not do it now in 2014?” And “Why even offer that miracle two decades ago only to go through it all again here in this century?”

As I came out at the beginning of transition, I started to think about this dream. When I came out to my sister I mentioned this dream to her. While we were talking over the phone, it occurred to me “in my dream I’m smiling”.  I had never noticed that detail before. 15 years later, after starting cross sex hormones, I indeed was smiling. Finally. Smiling.

Wednesday June 15, 2017. I have a small speech at Vanderbilt Benton Chapel for Pride Faith Night. It was an honor to be asked to share.

Two nights later a discussion broke out at a cookout with friends. Towards the end of the discussion, one gentleman was mentioning his understanding of scripture and God. It occurred to me while he was speaking of how parallel his words were with my own understandings. And that about the last ¼ of my speech I gave two nights earlier was the same of what he mentioned and we were discussing…of how mad we got at God for not answering seemingly legitimate prayers.

Then it hit me like a lightning bolt: “that horrific dream was fulfilled two nights ago”: I was standing behind a wooden podium with a microphone in church, the lights were shining on me, I was smiling, I was speaking to people, no longer afraid to speak, I had curly hair, oh and did I mention I was smiling?

While I didn’t wear a dress, a friend made a special trip to a Ross store so I could pick up a top that I couldn’t get out of my mind. I wore it for that speech. I felt it augmented my curves. And this: only the last few weeks have I really started to like the curves I’m seeing on the person in the mirror. Sometimes I can’t stop smiling at the curves I see. I’m finally seeing the real me in the mirror. I’m finally happy to see a “her” in the mirror.  All these years later life is making more sense. Her is me. She is most often found smiling.

As I laid in bed last night contemplating this revelation that the dream from some 18 years ago and how all of these pieces are fitting together, I have to wonder if it’s purpose isn’t fully fulfilled just yet. After all, it took me 15 years to realize I was smiling in that dream. I still ask God why couldn’t we just do all this back then and skip everything in the middle? I believe the answer is directly found in three people; my ex wife, my son, my daughter. The last two decades was about them, giving them life and support while sorting through my own issues. I supported them and continue to do so. And indirectly is found in the others I have now wonderful friendships with these days.

This truly is God’s better plan for my life.

And if I ever find that exact dress at a store, I will scream and cause a scene at the store! You can count on it!

My Response to the Activist Mommy Slamming LGBT+ People

​Here is the link and heading to her original video. I ask you to watch it before reading further:


As you can see, there are many issues with her diatribe to address…

Dear The Activist Mommy (Miss AV),

In your video where you rant about how bad us LGBT people are these days, you mention several falsehoods and politically-based platitudes. It is important to show truth in the midst of your allegations and victim-first ranting.

You said:
“gender insanity is ruining our nation”. You sound like Dr Michael Brown and Franklin Graham, who are both also completely wrong about all things transgender. Transgender people aren’t ruining our nation. What is running our nation is:
–politicians who claim smaller government yet don’t make the government smaller after they are elected
–out of control debt, unchecked by Congress, even this Congress
–apathy, too many go home and don’t care yet whine about everything with their victim-first mentality that is indeed “making our nation fall apart”, such as you, Brown and Graham.

“Moms and daughters transitioning together”. Yes they are. Have you seen how their depression has completely lifted and now happy living life? Have you talked with them or judged them from afar? Of course you didn’t, you judged from your lofty social media throne. I suggest you give them a call to meet with them for lunch. You could learn a lot from them. 

“Why do we need to bring in kiddie porn, and tampon” to read to kindergartners.”
Ummm no. Jazz Jennings read her book to others to open their minds about science and truth. You should have been there, you could have learned a lot from a 15 year old.

The “LGBT…acronym.” that you mock.  Jesus didn’t mock others, neither should you. 

You make no distinction between sex and gender, you put them all in one lump ball of wax. This is terribly wrong, illustrating how you know little to nothing about any of what you spoke about.

Continuing your victim-first, our nation is going to hell, Christians can’t be gay banter, your recent blog entries whining about how wrong Glennon Melton is for marrying her wife.
In your link https://www.facebook.com/theactivistmommy/posts/1291336374317842
…you allege: “marriage” or homosexual sex. There is no such thing as a homosexual Christian”
Umm, yes there is. Glennon Melton and her wife are two! You can’t see beyond your own understanding thus you are very wrong.. Your scripture proof-texting is usual Tee-Ball League fare for the biblically uneducated unfortunately.

You even have the gall to talk down to Glennon Melton. Have you read any of her books? Do you know how much pain she endured in her marriage that fell apart? According to your post, you do not.

And there are countless others who are gay and Christian. Vicky Beeching is an excellent example of a wonderful gay Christian! Yet you refuse to see anything outside of what you understand. And understanding is what we are taught not lean upon, remember?

Let’s face your reality, it’s not a stretch us to believe you would utter the words: “There is no such thing as a transgender Christian.”
Hi Miss AV, I’m Monica, a devoutly Christian transgender woman. I know hundreds like me in my social circles. There are millions of others across the globe. Even if you refuse to believe anything other than what Dr Brown or Franklin Graham incorrectly claim.

“This is not one of the most embarrassing moments in this country’s history”
No it’s not Miss AV.  “Dewey Defeats Truman” was one of the most embarrassing moments in history.

You mention that if Jenner commits a crime, blood samples will show Jenner as “Bruce”.

Let’s think about this a bit deeper than a drunken singer incoherently mumbling behind a microphone on stage like you are doing in this video…
Jenner didn’t commit a crime of course, but let’s look at hundreds of men (and some women) who have committed sexual crimes who have committed heinous crimes against young children, women and even farm animals.

You brush-off such predators and don’t mention them in your video because they don’t fit your understanding nor your political narrative. Why not DNA test these people that you don’t mention, the TRUE sexual predators? There are vastly more sexual predators that prey on women and children who are hetero than ever will be transgender. Ever. Yet you choose to create a hypothetical situation to make yourself feel better about your own understanding, which we are told not to lean upon.

Please don’t EVER equate a trans person with these sick individuals Miss AM. That is appalling of you.

“Truth and reality and science really mean nothing to the left”.
No Activist Mommy, making this statement of yours is one of the most embarrassing moments in our country’s history. You refuse to look at science laid in front of you, instead only allowing your ears to be tickled with failed theories of hack doctors such as Kenneth Zucker, Joseph Money and Paul McHugh.  You call that truth, it’s not. Long disproven but you don’t care as it doesn’t fit your finite, political narrative.

“They are abandoning their true biological identity”.
No Miss AV, we are not. We are embracing it and living it. You only look at what’s on the outside. Look at this scientific evidence of brain scans that shows we are indeed made differently on the inside. It clearly shows transgender people’s endocrine systems are made in reverse: 

The bible in 1 Sam 16:7 “mankind judges by outward appearance but God looks at the heart.”

The heart. That’s what God is after, even yours.

Sadly, heart is what you lacking when it comes to anyone LGBT. You have no love of God in your voice or your heart for LGBT people. We are merely pawns on your chess game of politics mixed with your version of religion. There is no example of Jesus working in or from you for anyone LGBT. Rather, we hear fear-based politics. That was something Jesus was never a part of, ever. The fruit of Galatians 5:22-23 eludes you because you look for obedience to your understanding of law, not faith in Him.

Your video is misleading at the very least and downright demonic in it’s approach to twist scripture to meet your own need to make people bow to your understanding of God’s word, just like Dr Brown and Franklin Graham.

Enough of your chest-beating, let’s take a look at real love in action…

The world needs to see an example of what Jesus’ love looks like to erase the memory of ever watching your ranting. Here is a photo I snapped at my parent’s house recently:

The two magazines sitting side-by-side could not be more telling of my dad’s heart for his country, God and his family. I am transgender, my daughter is gay. 2 of the main 4 letters you assume to be scarlet in nature are stamped on our foreheads. And DNA.

Yet my Catholic dad loves us all the same. Just like Jesus does. Out of that life is born life, relationship, growth and watching God’s Spirit move in amazing ways. This is the heart of Jesus.

You see my dad is a Vietnam war veteran, he was almost killed in battle during a terrible siege in 1967. Many of his battalion perished in the bloodbath, he was lucky, he lived. I don’t know how he survived the carnage physically unscathed, but he did. Thankfully.

The same goes for my mom, she loves us all the same. In fact, they even love my ex spouse. They go past our assumed understandings of how to react then love. You need to spend some time with them to learn what love is all about from them.

I’m so sorry you are incapable of love like a flag-waving Vietnam vet who watched his buddy’s head get blown off and warm blood splatter all over him. I’m so sorry you can’t love others like Jesus but need to vent your vile politicalisms to rally your base and to tickle your legalistic ears. I’m sorry you can’t see love and truth in front of you even if they have the scarlet letters of LGBT+ on their societal foreheads.

And no, you don’t have to “celebrate our mental disorders…or sin”.
We’re not asking you to celebrate anything.

However, we are asking you to actually look at the science you claim we don’t care about.

Look beyond the outside to see who God made me/us to be on the inside, that very person who you claim is mentally deficient and lied to by Hollywood. You know, be like God in 1 Sam 16:7 to look at the heart rather than like mankind who assumes their knowledge from outward appearance.

The science you say “we” don’t care about is there in front of you, but are you willing to seriously consider it? Or is your social circle so large that an about-face for you to actually follow truth means a fall from grace from your fan base?

I have a feeling you will only dig your heels in even further to your understanding as the fame you currently enjoy will drive you further into religious legalism, making your distance even greater from ever seeing Galatians 5:22-23 be a part of your life in regards to LGBT people.

LGBT people are people, fellow American citizens who serve in our military proudly, many are devout Christians like myself.  Jesus accepts us for who we are, we are saved by the same act of love on the cross. We don’t change from being gay to un-gay. Remember Exodus International…the alleged ex-gay conversion palace? It closed down. It didn’t convert anyone, it hurt a lot of gay people for years go come. This doesn’t seem to mean much to you though. Sadly.

LGBT people are no lesser or greater than you. I see the fruit of Galatians 5:22-23 flow from them freely and often. That’s how I know you’re wrong, dead wrong, about your claim that people can’t be gay and Christian.

Until I see the fruit of Galatians 5:22-23 flow from you like I see it flow from many gay/trans people I know, it’s biblically safe to consider you a non-Christian.

What’s it like to not be transgender?

What’s it like to not be transgender?

What’s it like to never feel outside your own being?
What’s it like to be a young man or woman that doesn’t feel completely mismatched with their body?
What’s it like to never desire to wear the other sex’s clothing, makeup, or styles?
What’s it like to be comfortable in your own skin since the day you were born?
What’s it like to watch a movie or TV show and never wish you were a character of the opposite gender?
What’s it like to never have to bury so much anger & pain?…with alcohol, drugs, porn and/or abuse?
What’s it like to be confident and happy in the body you were born with?

What’s it like to not slip into a deep depression at the onset of puberty?

What’s it like to not feel disconnected from your own body during sex?

What’s it like to never have to come out?
What’s it like to not have to fear losing a job because you’re not hiding your true identity?
What’s it like to never have to worry about “if you’ll blend in” with others?
What’s it like to never risk being kicked out of church solely because you’re straight?
What’s it like to be, without a struggle to be?
What’s it like to never have to disappoint the spouse you dearly love because you know they will coldly reject you of you be honest with them by coming out?
What’s it like to be…whole…since day #1?

I’ll never know that experience.
Likewise, non-transgender people will never know this experience.
Let’s meet in the middle and walk side by side as friends, Americans, and yes even at church together.

With only offering partial Grace, why do Calvinist-based religions celebrate Easter?

After reflecting on Easter Sunday I ended with this question, why do Calvinists celebrate Easter?

The death of Jesus was the final sacrifice of the old covenant, the temple was destroyed by Rome (“this generation will not pass away.”) that was the end of the age at that time. The end times prophecy of destruction was done. The new covenant was available for all. It no longer existed only in a tabernacle but in the hearts of everyone who so asked.

Since Calvinists only believe in partial atonement during the sacrifice of Jesus, it’s as if the temple was never destroyed. That the new covenant is partially God’s responsibility (Jesus, God in the flesh) and our responsibility by following God’s laws. In that, we ironicallyshoulder most of the responsibility to save ourselves even though out best is merely filthy rags.

Since the law brings death but the Spirit of God brings life, why do these denominations have such a low-rent version of the ultimate and final sacrifice for anyone’s sins paid by God in the flesh on the cross?

Do we sing…

Amazing Partial Grace?

Tis So Sweet To Partially Trust On Jesus?

OK Is Thy Faithfulness?


By disallowing God’s spirit to fully be realized in our faith, we look elsewhere to fill in the gaps that a partial savior gives us.

That partial savior ends up being man’s understanding of God, such as Calvinsism. So we re-crucify God in the human flesh over and over believing we can earn something we can never pay…an eternal debt. But, here’s the thing, it’s already been paid.

By demanding conformity and placing false views of who gets into heaven and has eternal life (only “the elect” will receive that gift?)  we separate ourselves from others artificially. Creating division while demanding strict conformity to a man’s view of God, in this case it’s the recent interpretations of John Calvin.

Calvin didn’t die on the cross for us, God in human form died on the cross for us.

By us placing the dogma of a man’s interpretation over God, we die on the legalistic cross but never gain life in this world as our best is merely filthy rags. Partial grace really isn’t grace.

God isn’t limited to our understanding of Him.

Demanding partial grace, a Calvinistic view is like driving a Ferarri with 2 wheels, it goes nowhere. Fast. And stays there. Without properly equipping it with 4 wheels to allow it to cruise down the road, for the purpose of how it was made, we hobble this very creation from going anywhere.

So why do denominations continually send their members to die on the cross of Calvin-based legalism and doctine-comes-first-conformity rather than the fullness of God’s Spirit to gain life in their Spirit?

I wish I had an answer.


An Open Letter To “Irene”

Dear “Irene”, this is an open letter from a fellow transwoman who understands what you are going through.


I read Dr. Michael Brown’s exchange with you (link below) and would love the opportunity to converse with you further….

We all suffer from shame and guilt brought on by the “I shouldn’t be transitioning, this is stupid, this is against scripture!”. Then that shame eats us alive. I wrote about this very topic yesterday (link at bottom)

Major problem: if we assume our actions drive us far away from God, we are not looking the real God. Instead, we are attempting to fit our emotions and actions into a religious system. Psalm 103:12 is an observation for all time: He has removed our sins as far as the east is from the west. God isn’t far from you. In fact, he’s never been far from you even in the times you thought He was far away due to your internalized shame that you were “living against God’s will”. Rev 3:20 says he’s knocking at the door, which of course means He’s right there next to you! Psalm 139 tells us He’s always there.


We have this idea that sin separates us from God. That’s not true. God is never separated from us due to our sin because he bridged that gap when God in human form was killed on the cross.  His spirit is ALWAYS with us.

It’s the shame that pushes us away from God. It’s toxic shame that has us look away from Him and make us assume God can’t accept us “as we are”.  It’s shame that says “stop being who I made you to be and fit into a system of conformity called religion”.

It’s hellish shame that insists we detransition, cast away our transgender selves to be accepted by the church at large. They welcome us back in to their fold only when we “fit in” to their expected cookie-cutter mold. Yet, some time later, the strong urge comes back to retransition because we can’t keep a lid on it any longer. Then when we re-come-out as transgender, we will be cast out of their church then labeled as delusional, drinking the liberal kool-aid, insane, etc.

There’s a large problem with this church-at-large-acceptance of trans people only if they deny being themselves: God does the opposite of what the church is doing these days. Yes, the church at large is at odds with how God loves and treats His children, tragically.

God doesn’t care what you look like, what your genital status is, what your birth certificate says or what your chromosomes are. If He did, he would have demanded all the eunuchs in the biblical times repent and give up being anything intersex/transgender before accepting them just like modern preachers do these days. Does God do that? No. Did God mandate the authorities check the genitals of the eunuch so they could use the “proper” restroom?  No. Did God insist that leaders check the birth certificate of the eunuch to see if it had “M” or “F” on it?  No. God is only concerned about the heart of the eunuch person in Acts 8, not what’s in their pants.

Did God guilt the eunuch into “being what God created him to be” so they can be accepted by the same church-goers that rejected them?  No. The modern church does that, this is not God’s methods at all.

So why does much of the church in America “accept” trans people only if they sink to terrible shame-based, lows and deny being transgender when God doesn’t do this?  Because the church doesn’t represent God. It represents itself, a system of conformity to man-made ideals, not God-breathed possibilities.

God didn’t paint the universe in black and white, He used the entire spectrum of colors. And likewise with people, we are not black and white, he crafted us differently. Science has unearthed so much information about this topic, yet the church at large shouts “We don’t need science, we have God!”. Yet science is proving God’s breadth and depth of creation!

And to God that’s OK! But to the church at large, we are cast out…and only accepted back “once we stop running from God”.  How can we run from God when He’s right next to us at all times?

It’s the church at large that places the burden of shame on us. It expects us to conform. It rejects people who “aren’t Godly.” It’s not that the rejected people aren’t actually ungodly, it’s that the people in that church reject God’s spirit in front of them, in the form of a transgender person. It, the system, does not believe that transgender people exist.

It, the system, is wrong. God isn’t limited by it. Never has and never will be.

You’re married to a wonderful man, enjoy your marriage. You had your SRS, enjoy it. It’s God provisioned. You can’t see God’s provision through your shame. Once you ask God to remove the shame and show you His purpose, you’ll be much happier. HINT: you won’t be walking into a church with Dr. Brown any time soon, or ever. He will only accept you if you deny being who God created you to be: transgender.

Plenty of biological evidence exists to show we are wired differently in the womb. The church at large doesn’t believe in the facts in front of them from the myriad of research, so they label us as delusional and insane, then dare to put us in the “transanity” group.  Just as they did with those who suffer from ALS, epilepsy, etc. We are just as human and loved by God as them, to God there is no difference.

But to the the Dr. Brown’s of the world, there is a difference: we are not allowed in their houses of worship because we are different. The Pharisees did the same. They were called “the separated ones” because they believed in a “pure” view of scripture then cast out anyone else who didn’t believe as they did.

Sound familiar? The same has happened here in America. (See my recent article Modern Day Pharisees for more info). Jesus didn’t die for us to be shamed into a system, He set us free FROM that system. Including our church system.

How God treats and accepts His children is so very different than how the church at large accepts and treats God’s children.  The church at large demands conformity to it’s rules to be part of their club. Shame is a huge weapon to used to keep people inline. God doesn’t do that. The difference is so striking, many times I wonder if these preachers who separate God’s flock will be stunned at who is standing next to them in heaven: the trans person they rejected, the gay person they argued with, the politician on the “other side” of the political spectrum, etc.

A large part of the Good News is that Jesus destroyed the temple, where God’s spirit solely existed, so that we could be accepted as children of God anywhere, not just in their temples masquerading as conformity based social circles.

You are loved by God and accepted by God the way you are right now, including the shame. He’s next to you  Fall into God’s arms, continue your HRT, love your husband…God wants it that way because He made you that way.

This transgender woman (me) is loved by God just as are you, exactly the way you are in the “opposite” gender. 

God has known since the beginning of time you are made differently, it’s no surprise to Him. The guilt and shame you feel is brought on by those who don’t accept you unless you look like what they expect. You’re bowing to their expectations of you, not the way God made you. So you accept their shame as “correction” and “God’s better plan”.  God doesn’t shame you, mankind does. Even church-going mankind, especially church-going mankind.

Shame is brought on by doubt and fear. Those two toxic pieces have been used the past few years against transgender people in the political realm while claiming “it is of God”.  Don’t buy into that garbage either. There is only one of you. After you have passed, we slice your brain open, we will find the same as mine, your endocrine system was indeed made in reverse. Even then those that “accept you” because you “came to your senses” still won’t believe it.

Acceptance is true from God, but not from the church at large. Don’t swallow the poison pills of fear and doubt as those produce shame that stops you from being you.

God isn’t limited to man’s ideas of what God is.

Irene, please contact me via Facebook, I’d love to converse with you privately.  I won’t try to change your mind and I have a feeling you won’t try to change mine.  That’s the way I approach personal conversations. I want to show you my life, a trans woman who lived with intense shame for 4 decades grappling with this same demon you are wrestling with currently.

And no, Dr. Brown doesn’t have the answer, he only accepts you if you fit into his system of beliefs. That’s not God-like acceptance, that’s what Pharisees do. If you want acceptance by Modern Day Pharisees, that’s your choice.

When it comes to transgender people, Dr. Brown is far from God as he refuses to understand transgender people. He refuses to converse with me even after repeated requests in the past.

You’re not running from God, you can’t. He’s been next to you the whole time, just waiting for you to turn around…He loves you just as you ARE.

You are not a mistake as transgender, you are God’s beloved. He says you belong as you are.  No changing back is necessary, no matter how much the blanket of shame has suffocated your soul to see that. Don’t throw stones at yourself.

You belong to Him. Already.


Irene, you are transgender. God did make you that way. Don’t buy into the “I was choosing to be


Article Link:


FB discussion to this link at Dr. Brown’s site:


My reply to shame (prior to reading Dr. Brown’s article)


My profile link on Facebook:




Modern Day Pharisees In Our Government, Desparately Trying To Erase LGBT People

The state of politics here in Tennessee is at an all-time high level of “Us vs Them”, which means control and conformity to divide us at the state and national levels. A very important part of this toxic division at the state level is David Fowler, along with State Senators Mark Pody, Mae Beavers. They are insistent upon removing liberties from LGBT people.

Why?  “Because God said so”.

I’m not joking. Even in the least.

Let’s dive deeper…

First we have the 2016 GOP official party platform. Here are three important cornerstones of the GOP as outlined in the preamble of the platform document:

We affirm — as did the Declaration of Independence: that all are created equal, endowed by their Creator with inalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness

We believe our constitutional system — limited government, separation of powers, federalism, and the rights of the people — must be preserved uncompromised for future generations

We believe the Constitution was written not as a flexible document, but as our enduring covenant.

However, a grave contradiction appears in pages 31-32 that takes away liberty, inalienable rights of life and the pursuit of happiness from those that are LGBT.  Only a marriage between one man and woman are valid, according this platform. This reads like James Dobson of Focus on the Family himself wrote this section of the party’s backbone document. Read it for yourself:

What is Liberty?

Liberty: “The state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one’s way of life, behavior, or political views.”

In Tennessee,House of Representatives bill HB1111 passed this morning. It re-words the definition of marriage, stripping LGBT people the liberty to marry the person they choose. Yes, the government of the state of Tennessee is halfway there in telling people who they can and cannot marry. Thus pages 31-32 of the GOP platform are more important than the US Constitution guaranteeing people the liberty to live their life as they see fit.

In creating government intrusion by weaseling inside the daily lives of many “because God”, the GOP can kiss goodbye to any claim of the “limited government” portion of their GOP platform.

David Fowler, a Tennessee activist and politician, is hell-bent on removing liberties for LGBT people that are enumerated in the Constitution and the GOP party platform. He is the head of the Family Action Council based in middle Tennessee. He really doesn’t care what is constitutional and what is unconstitutional, he said so himself: “if that word makes the law unconstitutional, so be it.”

The LGBT Erasure bill and Fowler’s dreadful admission:

Erasing LGBT people from the political and social landscape is the end game for these politicians “because God.”

He’s going against his party’s own platform as defined in the platform preamble.  That doesn’t seem to matter to Fowler and the rest of these types of people. They have it in their minds that LGBT are not equal under God, under the law, nor the Constitution nor the Declaration of Independence so it’s OK to be unconstitutionally against them. “Because God…

Liberty is only for people who are straight, evidently”

TN House rep Mark Pody (R-Lebanon) in regards to gay people marrying: “it is wicked, it is wrong and I am doing the best I can to warn them.” He firmly believes he’s protecting religious freedoms by removing liberties of others “because God”.

Someone please remind Mr Pody that he is a politician, not a prophet.

Here is Fowler, Beavers, and other state Senators attempting getting in the way of one’s due process last year. This is a gay couple, so they saw fit politically to intervene “because God”:

The politicians that jumped on the bandwagon to file a motion against the couple did so because they aren’t straight, they’re gay. So that inevitably means to these politicians that their liberties aren’t as valid as straight people’s liberties.

No modern day Pharisee’s resume would be complete without being on the anti-transgender person bandwagon. Like clockwork, Fowler & Co. attempt to take away the proper restroom from LGBT people and replace common sense with their declaration of who can use what bathroom.

Last year Fowler prayed with a couple dozen other pastors in support of the anti-transgender measure (yep, more anti-LGBT nonsense) to force men into women’s restrooms and women into men’s restrooms, “because God”:

Praying for legislation to pass so that, if trans people actually follow this repulsive law, will be harassed and beat up.  All in the name of “God”.

Liberty can’t be available for transgender people, they are part of the LGBT. So that means liberty is only for non-transgender people who are straight, evidently.

This isn’t Christianity.

This isn’t what Jesus would do.

However, this is what modern day Pharisees would do.

What is a Pharisee? “A member of an ancient Jewish sect, distinguished by strict observance of the traditional and written law, and commonly held to have pretensions to superior sanctity.”

In today’s USA terms, a Pharisee is a member of a staunch Evangelical Fundamentalist Christian belief system that everyone in their jurisdiction needs to live by their strict observance of the traditional and written law, and they are commonly held to have pretensions to superior sanctity.

These modern Pharisees declare we need to live under their decrees and doctrines. They believe they are acting on God’s behalf.

Could it be any clearer that we have modern day Pharisees running our government? The Pharisees killed the spirit of God, Jesus, and they’re killing the spirit of God in America these days with replacing faith with conformity to their laws.

When we clear away the smokescreens of political maneuvering and half truths, we see the real motivation behind Fowler, Beavers, Pody and the rest of the modern day Pharisees:  “We don’t care about perverse LGBT people or their liberties. We don’t care if what we do is unconstitutional nor against our own GOP platform nor against the Declaration of Independence. We do care that you submit to our view, which is God’s view because we have God on our side. LGBT you do not belong in our presence.”

“…because God”.

Judge people by their actions not their words. In the words of these GOP supporters of these toxic pieces of legislation, they claim to hold up the Constitution of the United States of America, the party’s platform. However, by their deeds they end-run the Constitution, create laws that strip people of their liberties and shred the Declaration of Independence by insisting all are not created equal.

They are modern day Pharisees indeed. Because this is so, we all suffer.

But to the real God, a God these modern day Pharisees do know now because they love law more than they love Him, He loves all His children, including those who happen to be LGBT. He said so with the blood of Jesus. He proved so with the resurrection.

If only these modern day Pharisees would follow the real God, the real Jesus, not a worldly system of conformity with the facade of Jesus’ name on the door. But they don’t.

Until then, we realize we have always belonged to God. The real God, not the false, worldly God of the modern day Pharisees where only straight, non-transgender, non-LGBT people are welcome.

The #GenderRevolution defined

As I looked out at the desert, hundreds of thousands of people just like me in complete silence as the sun was setting. We all wore brown parkas, hoodies over our heads and our heads were pointed down towards the sand. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop, you could hear the rustling of the sand in the wind.  Everyone standing silently, suffering in desperate and quiet shame and guilt. No one dare speak to another yet we were all huddled together. You could not see anyone’s face, all were hanging low. All were facing away from the setting sun, all of us standing eastward toward the darkness of the night. We were all there because of the same reason.

I lifted my head, the sand that gathered on my hoodie fell to my shoulders and back to the desert floor. I turned around to witness the sea of silent desperation.  Hundreds of thousands of transgender people all with their heads hung low wearing brown parkas, silently suffering.

I know their pain. I am one of them.

Next to me was a small tree stump, I climbed onto it, then turned back to face the countless number of people. Then at the top of my lungs screamed “God, my God, why have you not heard their prayers to take this away from them? My prayers? You have seen them suffer, why do you not even speak a single word of healing over even one of them? Why have you forsaken all of us?”

With that I woke up.

This dream I had a few years ago was a visual illustration of what I had experienced and noticed from the countless stories I read of others: they were trapped. Being trapped, meant being scared, being filled with silent low-level anger and attempting to cope with each day…each hour…of the unspoken, internal misery.

We tried to pray it away. As you can see, God never answered our prayers. Never. Not one single prayer.

We tried to cast out demons in prayer groups. No demons were ever cast out because there are no demons to be cast out. It was a folly of human belief to think demons needed to be cast out of a person when there are no demons in the equation.  

We tried alcohol to numb the pain. It worked for a few hours. But more alcohol was needed to kill the ever-increasing pain. Then one day, even a half a bottle of whisky didn’t make a dent in the pain of the internal, silent hell.

We tried everything to deny who we really are to avoid the public exhuming of our souls if we ever admitted the truth.

We are not delusional, we are not anyone’s agenda, we are people with hearts and minds just like anyone else.

We transitioned to live. Finally live. Finally thrive.

But when we suddenly find our quiet and attempting-to-blend-in-to-society lives being used against us as political pawns for someone else’s fear-based gain, we fight back. We stand up. We say “enough”.

Do you expect us to roll over and be quiet as a small number of powerful religious and political groups attempt to erase our lives and contributions as citizens from our beloved United States of America?  No.

Hell no.

Yes there is a gender revolution, we choose life over death.  THAT is the “revolution”.

We choose to live. We choose to thrive.

God wanted us to live to be our real selves, that’s why He didn’t answer our prayers to remove the transgender from us. He wanted us to live the life He authored authentically. He wants us to thrive.

He made us transgender, that’s why He never answered our prayers to “cast away” being this way.

He accepts us as the very person He formed in the womb.  Can you accept us all the same?


The fence that needs to come down

​My fingers clutched the chain-link fence until they bled as I was standing on the edge a busy boulevard. Suddenly I find myself fenced in with no way out. I was desperately banging on the fence but to no avail.

As I traversed to my right several feet, I was stopped at a corner of that fence and it too was also stationed at the edge of a busy boulevard. People were driving by at the intersection of the fence where the boulevards met. No one outside the fenced in area seemed to care. No one can hear my screams as the windows on their vehicles were rolled up as they continued on. My thoughts racing through my mind were that some passers by were glad to see us all socially quarantined, some apathetic and didn’t care if we were sectioned off, and some simply didn’t know.

As I frantically looked for an opening in the fence to get out, I gave up as I found none. Disheartened, I looked behind me and there were many people behind the same fences as me in the cordoned off city block. Everyone either had a rainbow T-shirt on or was wearing a tie-dye T-shirt in rainbow colors. There was very little grass, people were sitting on concrete generally smiling but crammed in to this city block but trying to make the best of their lives. There was a small tent in the middle case it rained. Otherwise we were exposed to the elements. Thankfully that day was mild, without rain.

I walked around inside the perimeter stunned to see that people were generally upbeat as they lived their life and accepted their future behind this chain-link curtain that separated them from the rest of society. I could not remain upbeat after suddenly finding myself isolated from the rest of society.

That was a dream I had very soon after I (finally) accepted my fate as being transgender when I was 43. I woke up from that dream frightened. However, instantly and absolutely I knew what it meant: I suddenly found myself inside the LGBT societal quarantine. The many already in there learned to not fight but quietly accept their city-block radius fate. God bless them if they can do that, but I cannot.

I cannot accept being a looked down upon as a second-rate citizen by all those outside looking at us inside this fenced area. We are humans, formed and created by the same God professed by those who quarantined us socially.

I cannot accept any of the “ewwww, look at them, they’re going to hell because they’re LGBT” that THEY place on us. I cannot accept they separate themselves from us. I cannot accept this division in our society for the sake of political gain nor assumed religious supremacy. I cannot accept how we are treated by politicians and many preachers as enemies, yet we are their neighbors down the same street they live on.

I cannot accept it at all.

I’m still looking for a way out of that fence not only for me, but for everyone inside the societal quarantine who hasn’t enjoyed the same freedoms as I did the first 43 years of my life.

We are people, saved by the same grace of God and who love this country dearly.

So when someone like a seemingly insignificant Lady Gaga even briefly mentions the word “transgender” in a positive light, along with singing “One Nation Under God” a couple minutes prior in front of millions watching the Super Bowl, it’s something to find hope in. Finally, someone outside this fence we are trapped in sees us as humans and is attempting to break down this man-made social quarantine that controls and shames us.

Yet many who don’t have access to millions of eyeballs watching them on TV do indeed see us as humans. They are doing God’s work locally by creating bridges of unity and tearing down the toxic “Us vs Them” in our country.

This damned fence is coming down, I’m going to see to it.



Because I’m Transgender, The Boy Scouts And Our Country

​The polarization of this country is devolving us into an “Us versus Them” society that is such a shame to watch. It turns my stomach as the basic premise is rarely found anymore: we are all Americans in this together.

You’d think the church at large and politicians who associate those churches and powerful non-for-profit entities would want freedom for all in this country. That whey would desire to see us at a country of people coming together to work out differences. But instead they want the opposite: to eradicate and control others that don’t conform to their ideals. This toxic mix of legalistic religion, big money, and politics has made me a villain in their pulpits and election platforms, all because I am transgender.

After reading numerous comments on social media regarding the recent policy decision of the Boy Scouts of America to allow transgender boys into their troops, I am struck by how many people are venomous in their view of us, scared, frightened, filled with fear of anything LGBT and completely off-base many are with their rigid, legalistic thinking.

Many of the comments are so dripping in fear that it’s no surprise these people reject anything but people of their own ilk. Including and especially by being anywhere in the LGBT spectrum means we are not worthy to be in their presence. Yet these same people shout that they have morality on their side while I do not, because I’m transgender.

What I found in those comments on social media regarding the BSA policy change was that we have a long way to go to educate people on what being transgender actually means.

In response to all those comments regarding the BSA story, here’s what it really means to be transgender in this country: 

I have not suddenly ‘gone liberal’ if I am transgender.

I am not part of some evil agenda against this country because I am transgender.

I do not pose a threat to Boy Scouts. And if my child was transgender, they would not pose a threat to the Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts either.

You mock me, insist I cannot be saved unto Jesus because I’m transgender.

You talk down to me, purposely calling me sir, he, because I’m transgender.

You say that parents who put their trans kids in Boy Scouts are guilty of child abuse, all because their kids are transgender.

You insist you would pull your kid out of Boy Scouts if you found out a transgender boy in your troop.

You claim we are delusional and mentally sick, all because we are transgender.

…that includes that boy in the Boy Scout troop you just pulled your kid out of.
…that also includes the parents of the boy in the Boy Scout troop you just pulled your kid out of.
You treat me like I’m less of a citizen because I have a “sickness” because I’m transgender.

You say I don’t need special rights because I’m transgender.

Can you be fired for being heterosexual? Of course not. But I can be fired for being transgender.

We are trying to pay the bills, just like you. Yet you don’t want to be around “freaks”, as you call us, because we are transgender.

You ridicule churches who embrace God’s true love and grace, you quickly label them  as “heretical”, “of the devil”, and “backslidden”.  They threw away your toxic, legal, fear-based view of scripture.  Then you move on, all because they have and love gay or transgender members.

You see us as political hot potatoes, as your church project to “cure” us, and just another reason to separate yourselves from ‘evil’ LGBT people, all because we are transgender.

You claim we are unfit to serve in the military, even though many transgender people proudly serve this great country in the military, because we transgender.

You view us as gross, perverse, second-class snowflakes and a threat to your life and this country, because we are transgender.

The “evil LGBT agenda” does not exist. It’s a talking point to make you fearful so that you vote for these same politicians that divide America each election cycle. It works, you’ve been duped. We are their political pawns in their chess game, because we are transgender.

You see us as not possibly being saved by the sacrifice of Jesus so we are discarded in churches and in society. We are fired from jobs, physically and emotionally abused by those who share your views of us. All because we are transgender.

Some of us are killed only because we are transgender.

You believe that kids can be changed to be not transgender if you’re pray enough over him or her. Why are you trying to change something God made? God doesn’t make mistakes because He made them transgender. You are unable to accept this reality.

You make all other human creations in your image, not God’s image. You cite the “man or woman” bible verse as alleged proof. Even Jesus himself did not talk down to the eunuchs, the trans people as we call them these days, but you do, all because we are transgender.

You claim we are immoral and unworthy of being in your presence. The Pharisees did the same thing to the second-class citizens in the bible you read. And you’re just like them because you do it to us, all because we are transgender.

Jesus argued scripture with the Pharisees, the spiritual and political leaders of that day, because the Pharisees deemed obedience to their interpretation of the scripture as the highest value. Jesus won every scriptural argument with them because He showed them their folly of placing the interpretation of the word of scripture above the Word in Spirit, Jesus, who was standing in front of them. But you do the same to us these days as the Pharisees treated Jesus 2000 years ago, because we don’t believe in your rigid interpretation of the word as you see it. Then you separate yourselves from us, just like the Pharisees did with the “lesser” of society back then. Pharisee is another word for separatist. In this country’s Us vs. Them climate, you separate yourself from us, because we are transgender.

Why do you associate yourselves with these separatists, the Pharisees of today? Jesus spent time with the “least of these”, he didn’t associate himself with any of the Pharisees. Yet you do, because we are transgender.

Today’s Pharisees are making laws and decrees, insisting that we deem obedience to their interpretation of scripture as the highest value. They inside we are mentally ill and delusional, making the transgender condition invalid in their Utopian society here in America. This leads you to the obvious, fear based conclusion: it’s OK to treat trans people as lesser, they are mental basket cases anyway. And you go along with it as being a sound and moral practice, all because we are transgender.

Politically speaking, these same 21st century Pharisees want us gone from their society are seeing to it with much legislation this year. Yet the Word of the Spirit, Jesus, didn’t want this at all. Pull out your bible that you claim tells us we are perverse abominations and read what God did to the trans people of the day in Acts chapter 8:26-40. He didn’t kick them the curb, He didn’t tell Phillip to condemn the person. No. He let them be and loved them, no matter what part of the trans spectrum they were on. He loves us. But you’re doing the opposite, because we are transgender.

You wear bracelets that say WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do?) Would Jesus treat us any different than anyone else in society because we are transgender?  No of course not, Acts 8 proves that. Yet you do.

It’s time you stop believing in a system of fear and start believing in the real Jesus who works in His people, no matter what they look like. Even if you don’t like what they look like. Especially if you don’t like what they look like.

If you claim to be Christian, it’s time you have faith in Jesus, not fear-based politicians and preachers who claim to be speaking for our savior. Perfect love casts out fear, but you choose fear every election cycle and every Sunday morning. Your faith is in a system and politics, not Jesus.

My faith is not in a system nor in politics. My faith is in Jesus, because I’m transgender.